Discipline tips I wish I had never followed

Years ago, in some parenting magazine, I read that with good behavior, my little darlings should be able to earn back anything that's gone into time out. If a beloved toy went in time out but they cleaned their room, they could get their toy back early, for example.  It made sense--we want them to learn from their mistakes, so why not teach them that better choices gets rewarded?  We implemented it without fail and had some success.  The girls were willing to do whatever it took to reduce their sentences and we got our house clean. Seemed like a winning combo, right?  Wrong.  I am now realizing, now that my older girls are teens, that what they figured out was that the consequences were fairly meaningless.  If they could always get them reduced, why bother following them in the first place?  A friend of mine gently suggested that doing extra chores doesn't address the issue (although having a clean bathroom is really, really nice, dagnabit). Instead they should complete the consequence without grumbling and NOT do whatever they did to get in trouble in the first place. If they were lying, they need to be superbly diligent in telling the truth. If they were out late, they commit to being home early. It's knowing that the expectations AND the consequences are clear is what can deter stupid behavior.  Huh. I knew we were in trouble when I told my kindergartner that she could have a treat if she got a green card at school (green--good behavior, yellow--warning, red--big trouble).  She ended up with a yellow card that day but still wanted the cookie if she did chores. Hoo boy.  Hopefully I'll figure it out a little sooner with her.

I'm a mom of 3 girls, two teens and one toddler.  I've been wanting to blog about my experience for some time, but it says a lot about my nutso life that I'm finally getting to it now that my youngest is starting kindergarten. So here I am.

Many people are curious why we added a third child so much later--Were we insane?  Did we need some extra cuteness like a Disney sitcom? Were we bored and wanted to shake up the status quo? I'll never tell. It has been a wild ride that none of my (wiser?) friends decided to join me on, but that's ok. Hayley has benefitted by having many extra "sissies" (her word for her sisters and her sisters' friends. It's basically the term for anyone who has come to our house just to adore her, which is everyone. CLEARLY.) My older daughters have benefitted from ...well, nothing really comes to mind except that watching their little sister is a good reminder of how much work kids are. (Hopefully their sister screaming will come to mind when a boy tries any funny business). She's also given them an excuse to keep trick or treating and looking for Easter eggs, so there's a definite trade off.

As for me, there are days my life feels like it's careening off the track and other days where having a little one around is what keeps me sane. The days full of teenage angst, like we've walked into Pretty Little Liars Hell (seriously, does anyone smile on that show??) are offset by just jumping in the waves or hanging upside down with my youngest. It takes so little to make a 4 year old giggle and takes bribery to get a teen to smile, so going back into a toddler's world is sometimes exactly what I need. Then again, having a more grown up conversation that doesn't include "Stop that" or ""Put that down" is sweet relief, too. I can't imagine my life any other way.